After an elongated absence that was noticed by literally no one, I’m back baby! And it feels fantastic. Little update regarding the life of your friendly neighborhood librarian. I actually have a real job now, in a library. Not just blowing smoke up your ass with that “RAW Librarian” business. Good news for me, bad news for the 3 people that actually read the column. I’m not able to write at work like I used to (translation: my few and far between columns are about to get even fewer and farther). I’ll still try to get monthly PPV previews in. Reviews’ll cost ya.
Number 1 Contender match
The Prime Time Players vs The Usos vs Tons of Funk vs The Real Americans vs 3MB
Let’s just get this out of the way, none of these teams will be defeating the Shield later in the show. And none of these teams SHOULD defeat the Shield.
What will happen: The Prime Time Players will capitalize on their recent momentum, which of course is in no way related to the media firestorm caused by Darren Young coming out as a homosexual. Coincidentally, the Prime Time Players push and Young’s announcement appear to have occurred roughly around the same timeline. To think that these two events are related in any way is just ridiculous. Young and O’Neil would have an easier time beating that B-team the agents of Shield put together in the Avengers movie. Blackwidow? Hawkeye? Really, that was the best you could do? Was Moon Knight too busy? (Editor’s note: GREAT Moon Knight pull)
I digress. The Prime Time Players win the match destined to appear on the Youtube Preshow. Rufus “Pancake” Patterson (they call him Pancake because he flattens fools) and Darren Young will provide us with a spirited challenge later on, ultimately losing because of the damn 2 on 2 numbers game.
What should happen: Edge and Christian reunite as a tag team. I should clarify. I don’t want “7 second pose” E&C. I want them to return as the three weeks they wrestled as Los Conquistadors. Culminating in them winning the tag titles against the Hardy Boys at No Mercy in 2000. Short of this happening, the tag titles need to stay with the Shield. Those shiny pennies look too amazing on Reigns and Rollins when they are in full enforcer mode. There is too much for the Shield to still accomplish before dropping the straps.
Fatal 4-Way Match Divas Championship
AJ Lee (C) vs Naomi vs Brie Bella vs Natalya
What will happen: I fear for what may happen with this match. I know how tempting it must be for Vinny Mac to give the Butterfly belt to one of his reality whores. “We have no actual talent but we sleep with your favorite wrestlers” airing Sunday nights at 9 on the E! network. I can’t wait to see the divas title used as a story line on a reality show more scripted than their scripted sports entertainment show. What’s the definition of irony again? If you are going to take the belt off of your best champion since
Kelly Kelly Trish Stratus, at least give it to someone who can wrestle. IE: Natalya. Maybe if Natalya wins the title, Tyson Kidd will sleep with her. Ok, ok, I’ll admit it. I watch Total Divas.
What should happen: AJ Lee wins the match and the Bellas are not allowed to be guest commentators ever again.
Handicap Elimination match
CM Punk vs Curtis Axel and Paul Heyman
What will happen: With Axel losing more than the Washington Generals lately, I have zero doubt CM Punk will emerge victorious. I’m not sure exactly what this victory will entail however. I feel like Heyman will get beat on a bit but aside from that, I don’t really know what to expect. Punk needs a solid PPV win after his loss to Brock Lesnar at Summerslam.
What should happen: Punk wins and beats on Paul Heyman with a kendo stick. Paul E. Dangerously sells his injuries every Monday night replacing Jerry Lawler at the commentator’s booth. Also, Brock Lesnar should attack CM Punk after the match to set up a rematch between the two.
World Heavyweight Championship
Alberto Del Rio (C) vs Rob Van Dam with Ricardo Rodriguez
What will happen: What are you new? RVD sets up for the 5 star frog splash and Ricardo shoves him off the top rope.
What should happen: There’s zero chance I’m going to be able to remain objective here. I know I said when RVD came back, I didn’t want him to be put over at the expense of young talent. Well screw Del Rio. Ziggler should still be champion anyway. I’m pulling for Van Dam in this one. We’ll see if Mr. PPV gets one more run as a world champion. Either Van Dam wins the title and defends it on a regular basis or let Del Rio retain and put Ziggler back in the main event scene NOW. I don’t care how much he trashes the product on radio calls.
Seriously show me someone else who can do this:
Randy Orton (C) vs Daniel Bryan
What will happen? Randy Orton retains here folks. I still don’t know how. It won’t be clean, that’s for sure. Shield run-in? McMahon involvement? Big Show swerve? Everything is on the table. Including on the table.
What should happen? Never in a million years did I think I’d say this, but Randy Orton SHOULD defeat Daniel Bryan at Night of Champions. I feel dirty just saying that. Hear me out. This storyline, so beautifully articulated by my boy KOBEsh in yesterday’s column, is the most compelling thing the WWE has produced since CM Punk walked out with the belt in Chicago. Let this bad boy play out. I’ve read many people on the Internet relate Daniel Bryan’s ascendance to Steve Austin. And you know, if it’s on the Internet…..
It was over a year after Austin’s King of the Ring speech before he was finally awarded the championship. It was a journey. An epic on par with the Illiad or the Odyssey. This Daniel Bryan championship quest has just begun. DB’s chase is more on par with Stifler and Kelso trying to find their car. A few months ago Bryan was involved in comedy tag team and stupid backstage skits (though it bears mentioning that he turned chicken shit into chicken salad). Now we’re supposed to feel like Bryan needs the WWE championship in order to complete his opus. Let’s give this feud some time to simmer. It feels weird, but I have complete confidence in HHH and the creative team to continue to give us a compelling storyline with Randy Orton as the Corporate Champion version 2.0. Pairing Randy up with the McMahons and company has done something I previously thought was impossible. They’ve managed to make Randy Orton interesting.
Thanks for reading. Questions/Comments? Hit me up @TheRAWLibrarian on Twitter.