Ugly NBA Player Power Rankings, version 2.0

This is mean.

If you have any sense of compassion, an emotion of which my once human core is bereft, then that’s what you’d be thinking. This isn’t nice. I’m fully aware of that. But, I have no doubt that the barren wasteland of ugliness has been the scenic horizon these gentlemen have long trekked. The song “Born This Way” resonates deep in their monstrous souls, vibrating at a tune that perhaps only lower evolutionary lifeforms like them can hear. Whether you’re a religious man or an atheist, even those two diametrically opposed parties can come together and decree that yes, God took a big fat crap on their faces.

This isn’t news to any of the men listed below. I can say with a great deal of certainty that Luis Scola wakes up every morning, washes deep into the pores of a face that resembles the Aggro-crag, shouts “FOR THE SCORE, LET’S GO TO MO” in Spanish and then realizes that no, he is not a good looking man.

But that’s not what makes me utterly unapologetic about writing not one, but two of these posts. It’s that these guys are rich. Filthy fucking rich. Despite all the obstacles that the good lord has put in front of them–directly in front of them–each of these men have grabbed the opportunities that their freakish bodies have enabled. Yes, indeed, they don’t fit in seamlessly with society or normal clothes sizes, but in the world of professional basketball, seven-foot wingspans and hands that won’t fit into conventional baseball gloves only fatten your wallet. Even the most anonymous of these players, one Gustavo Ayon, will earn $1.5 million dollars next season…just to play basketball.

No matter how much their distended limbs, battered faces and disproportionate upper bodies may affect them aesthetically, money talks. I have zero doubt that each of these gentlemen have banged women far above their destitute stations of attractiveness. Like a young Oliver asking for more, these poor street urchins of physical allure have broken past the script that Charles Dickens wrote, bought the whole orphange and turned it into a brothel. It’s violently apparent to me that million dollar paychecks can’t cover up drinking a five dollar bottle of vodka while pregnant. But even that can’t stop these sasquatches from living full, healthy, virile sex lives.

So don’t feel bad folks. They’re not just living better lives than you – they are better than you. Gosh, when did America get so sensitive?

The rules here are simple, loyal Mambinites. In order to make this prestigious list, the player has to be out and out ugly. The guidelines for such an adjective? I’m talking about “your daughter grabs your leg and cries” or “your significant other stops what he or she is doing mid-motion to ask you “Who is THAT guy? Ugh!”” type of situations. Thus, out goes goofy (Jared Dudley), freakish (Hasheem Thabeet) or merely funny looking (Blake Griffin). We’re not just going for the base hits of hideousness Mambinities; we’re going for the World Series-winning home runs.

Also, as the very title of the post indicates, the candidates here are only qualified if they currently are active NBA players on a NBA roster, or in this case, be a shoe-in to make someone’s roster at the end of training camp. Make no mistake; guys like Greg Oden may not have a place in the NBA anymore, but he’d certainly have a place on these power rankings if he did. As much as I lament the All-World big man he could have become, there’s no amount of words to describe the sorrow I feel for not being able to fill up a paragraph to the brim with insults, much like the man fills up his underpants with himself.

And with that obligatory Greg Oden penis joke, here….we….GO!

Dishonorable mentions: Hamed Haddadi, Reggie Evans, Marquis Daniels, Kyle Singler, Austin Daye, Ronny Turiaf, Al-Farouq Aminu,  DeMar DeRozan

It’s not that these fellas aren’t ugly, because God knows they are. But a few of them, Daye and Aminu for example, border between out and out oo-glay and just very goofy looking. Others, such as DeRozan, Singler and Haddadi were tough to keep out of the top 10, but just like their production on the court, there’s just always someone that can outplay you. Except here, their parents got outplayed in a hand of poker and instead of handsome kids, they got a mixed-breed feral dog they raised as a human.

10. Joel Anthony

I’ve got a lot of bones to pick with Joel, but unfortunately for the Miami Heat center, those bones might be the ones missing from his face. For whatever reason, pieces of Anthony’s skull seem to be misshapen at the best and just plain missing at the worst. From his snout-like nose to the gigantic, landing pad forehead to his dark, sunken eyes, Joel Anthony looks like a children’s drawing gone horribly wrong.

Most distinguishing feature: Unlike the Heat’s center position, there seems to be a lot of competition from Joel Anthony here. Rather than point a specific feature, I suppose it’s the small black hole in the center of his face creating the gravitational pull that’s drawing his features inwards. I’d say it’s like a dying star, but I suppose Joel Anthony would have to be good in the first place to make that statement true.

Hope for a makeover?: “Nosejob, and that may not even work.”

9. Luis Scola

It’s bad enough that Luis wakes up every single morning feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders…that being the geological rock formation that is his head. Scola just finished yet another typical, excellent campaign, averaging over 15 points and 6 rebounds while playing all 66 games in a shortened season. However, due to the machinations of MAMBINO favorite Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey, Scola was cut using the amnesty provision, in which a player (and his contract) could be waived and wiped clean off the team’s salary cap. Though still incredibly productive, the walking Argentinian Moai statue’s salary was too ornery for….whatever Morey’s plans are for the Rockets. Scola was then claimed by the Phoenix Suns, a middling team doomed for the lottery. Unfortunately, at age 32, Luis is coming to the end of his prime, and in addition to his championship opporutnity slipping away, he was also insulted by being released for nothing in return.

Don’t fret Luis. There will always be room for you here on the Easter Island of blogs…THE GREAT MAMBINO.

Most distinguishing feature: His face made of granite and beady eyes that look as dead as the stone he was carved from.

Hope for a makeover?: “A haircut, for starters. No girl wants a guy with longer, fuller hair than her. Fact. In the real world, away from fluorescent lighting and mustard carpeting, homegirl is a 4…tops”

8. Hedo Turkoglu

Much like a fine win, Hedo only gets better with age. For him? That’s fantastic. This caterpillar is finally growing into a less ugly, but still gross majestic moth. For us? Unfortunate that one of the great pillars of unfortunate faces has unfortunately molted into something less…unfortunate.

Gone is the lanky young Turk whose melted eyes, frosted tips and disgraceful facial hair all entranced us from the faraway paradise known as Sacramento. Now in his early thirties, Hedo has filled out, lost all the distinguishing hallmarks of his former hideous shell and now is merely just an ugly dude, as opposed to the top finisher in the Ugly NBA Player Power Rankings. Congratulations, Mr. Turkoglu. We’re proud of you.

Most distinguishing feature: His “Tracy McGrady Sad Eyes” that can’t seem to perk up, no matter how many millions he’s overpaid.

Hope for a makeover?: “WHY ARE HIS EARLOBES SO BIG? That’s gross, like “your second to being longer than your big toe” gross. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Rid his closet of the inevitable FUBU apparel, shave that peach fuzz of a goatee”

7. Byron Mullens

Much like Hedo, Byron (though we’ll always know and love him as BJ) gets some extra credit here for improving his physical appearance once he realized that it was common courtesy, seeing as people had to stare at him for hours on end, week after week. In his former visage, BJ looked like the worst parts of the 90s, like a 7-foot tall Josh Harnett with tinges of Napoleon Dynamite. Now, he’s settled somewhere in between that hideous brew and Gheorghe Mureșan’s ugly American cousin. For all the good work that BJ’s done, I’ll give him a slight drop in these rankings.

Most distinguishing feature: His whole mid-face region, in which his eyes are slowly drifting away from each other, and yet his eye brows mysteriously seem to come closer together. I don’t understand science good, but I done think this ain’t right.

Hope for a makeover?: “Get a less dumb resting face.”

6. Gustavo Ayon

Just one year ago, Mexican born center Gustavo Ayon was on the fringes of basketball relevance. He had a job, at the very least, but it was with with the feeble Baloncesto Fuenlabrada, one of the bottom feeders of the Spanish League. Ayon was far from a prospect at age 26, but the Hornets organization thought they found a hidden gem when they brought the Mexican national overseas. After injuries to key big men Chris Kaman and Emeka Okafor, Gustavo ended up playing in 54 games, averaging 6 points and 5 rebounds on 53% shooting. An absolutely incredible feat for a man who could have just as anonymously washed out of basketball with no one noticing.

But notice we did. Not just on the court Gustavo, but right here on the Ugly NBA Player Rankings. Our darling boy Gus is proof that you can take the boy out of the third world, but he’s still ugly as shit. I know that’s not the saying, but even clever similes and metaphors couldn’t romanticize the fact that Ayon looks like a seven foot goblin spawned from the depths of Hell. There’s just something sinister that lurks beneath his dark features, gaunt cheeks and devilish smile that covers the entirety of this cara de diablo. Quite frankly, he scares the crap out of me.

Most distinguishing feature: Just the sheer length of his face that might only look slightly disproportionate on his already disproportionate body, but when compared with a normal human, we’re looking at a Mt. Rushmore stand-in.

Hope for a makeover?: “I can’t pass up the opportunity to point out that his nose makes Ray Romano look like an English bulldog. Proactive and an urban sombrero, bro.”

5. Anthony Davis

Anthony Davis has already accomplished more in his young career than most players do in their active lifetimes. In just one year, he’s been named National Collegiate Player of the Year in half a dozen publications, won a National title at Kentucky in which he was named the tournament’s Most Outstanding Player, was selected with the number one overall pick in the NBA draft and won a gold medal as a member of the US men’s basketball squad at the London Olympics. Yes, Davis is a tremendously accomplished person. And good thing. Because otherwise, he’d just be an ugly monster.

There’s just so many place to go here. His body alone doesn’t just leave the door open for mockery; it blows it clean off the hinges onto the street, only to have even a piece of Davis’ home itself run over by the ugly truck. The lanky arms affixed to a T-shaped frame with lean muscle and ghoulishly pronounced bones give the impression that Davis was born and bred to star in the Prometheus sequel rather than an All-Star game. Moving up his neck, our tour becomes more and more derailed. Anthony possesses a grill that only a mother could love, and thankfully for him, his mom is blind. Perhaps the opening act that is a tandem performance of his teeth and comicly bulging eyes could distract from the over-served, unthankful crowd that is Davis’ freakish body, but oh no. Then there’s the unibrow.

The ‘Brow. In one of the audacious moves in the history of American public domain, Anthony’s mangement went on to trademark their client’s most distinguishing feature. It’s not surprising that Davis has parlayed his natural physical gifts into an already multi-million dollar career. He’s not different than the thousands of NBA players before him. However, I’m in absolute awe of how he’s spit in the face of millions of years in evolution, defying the Darwinian progress that’s eliminated unibrows from the scope of the modern day human. I salute you, Anthony Davis.

Most distinguishing feature: The fact that he never could properly give the People’s Eyebrow, even if he wanted to.

Hope for a makeover?: “Wax the unibrow and…don’t smile.”

4. Charles Jenkins

Mr. Jenkins was a virtual unknown at the beginning of last season, but has quickly shot up these power rankings like a dog chasing an ambulance through the street. That sounded like a metaphor, but I meant it quite literally: Charles Jenkins actually looks like a dog chasing an ambulance down the street.

Whereas a lot of Jenkins’ fellow mutants on this post have a freakish peculiar feature, or features in some cases, the Golden State guard is just a straight up ugly dude. I suppose the best adjective to describe Charles Jenkins is “haggard”, but in a way I feel that’s such a disservice to the sexagenarians that have actually put in the work to live those years. Instead, this Hofstra alumnus has stolen years that do not belong to him and wears them on his face like a purple heart he hasn’t earned. You’re so goddamn selfish, Charles Jenkins.

Most distinguishing feature: Perhaps just the general fact that he wears the face of a 50 year-old war veteran on top of a NBA player’s body.

Hope for a makeover?: “Mind the gap”

3. Joakim Noah

Friend and frequent collaborator to MAMBINO El Mariachi nailed it when he mentioned that our buddy Joakim looks most like a 7 year old hispanic girl. That’s not entirely inaccurate – if you told me that Noah was Gustavo Ayon’s little sister, I might buy Chicago’s 7 foot monstrosity as just that.

What’s frustrating with Joakim is that even as he rises in stature in the league and the massive paydays keep rolling in, the guy still hasn’t figured out a way to improve on his entire head that looks most akin to a viking that recently joined LMFAO. Everything from the long, stringy curls to the titanic mistake in facial hair to that eye just wanders juuuuuuuuuust a bit, Noah has so much he could fix, quite easily. I believe in you, Joakim. That jump shot of yours might always rotate sideways, but there’s no reason your face should.

Most distinguishing feature: His hair. Everywhere on his face.

Hope for a makeover?: “Felicity could pull off short curly hair. So could Shirley Temple. Two
chicks, one cut.”

2. Chris Andersen

The NBA might want to distance themselves from potential felon Chris “Birdman” Andersen, but at MAMBINO, we have no such reservations. Bird here violates the compact we set forth in putting together the Ugly NBA Player Power Rankings, but much like his persistence to a crack den in his former life, Chris Andersen burst onto this chart with a desperate gleam in his eye and an unhealthy racing pulse.

Birdman has aged with the type of tactless tumble all of us thought he would all those years ago. Somehow, some way, Andersen is even more hideous now than he was at the beginning of the 2011-2012 season. His amazing beard has turned him from being just a terrifying human coloring book to an everlasting pieta that could withstand the onslaught of a nuclear winter and subsist off the bones of forest-going creatures. I am truly astounded with the accomplishments of Chris Andersen, and his never-ending pursuit towards toppling the number one man in our rankings.

Most distinguishing feature: That beard is horrifying, but only because it sits atop that tattoo collar spelling out “BIRD” and “MAN” on either side.

Hope for a makeover?: “The neck tattoos, the stiffer-than-Pauly-D mohawk, the general hate for his mother the he just seethes from his scowl…it’s all bad”

1. Chris Kaman

Ladies and gentlemen…YOUR…reigning Ugly NBA Player Power Rankings champion…the one…the only….THE KAVEMAN…Chris….KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMAN.

The good news for my main man Chris here is that he shaved off this atrocious beard that haunted children along the banks of New Orleans all last season. The bad news is that underneath that sheath of hair is a mug that only Katherine Jackson could love.

We’ve still got all the features we know and love. The sunken, dark eyes, the albino-like hair tone and grill that appears to be most suited for the rippin’ and the tearin’. However, we’ve got a few new tweaks. The Kaveman’s disgracefully receding hairline has now gone into full-on retreat, and yet, big man continues to tightly hold onto the few follicles he has left. Also, with a newly-shorn patch of facial hair, Mark Cuban’s new center looks like a cross between Hulk Hogan and a zombie from the Walking Dead, except stretched out to 7 feet. With jaundice.

The times keep changing my friends, but just like death and taxes, there are few things that remain constant: Chris Kaman standing atop these rankings, like a king on his iron throne. Iron throne of shit.

Most distinguishing feature: There’s so much to choose from, but at this point it’s probably his skin that looks like he took an iodine bath.

Hope for a makeover?: “No words.”

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